Before I started meditating there was hardly any guarantee how I would react to people and situations. Or I should admit there was a guarantee I would most likely respond in the wrong way. Fear, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, irritation, greed, self-pity….there was no controlling these from emerging at the drop of a hat, i.e. with every interaction or observation. The same went for my premeditated actions. My baser instincts usually guided them.
What mediation is doing for me is allowing me to pause, examine and manage my reactions and actions before they emerge from me. In some instances, I am now able to change what I allow out. Sometimes, I am even able to align what appears to the world with what I really feel. At any rate, I am satisfied even in cases without this alignment that I have left happier people around me and less regret within me.
I know this may feel unnatural, mechanical and dry. It may seem like I am eliminating all spontaneity and spirit from my personality. But two facts support my belief in continuing on this path.
The first is that I invariably experience peace and happiness after every such successful instance and rarely regret the positive expression.
The second is the faith I have that my feeling, thought, and expression will ultimately become synchronised in most cases. It will be a blessed advance for an incompletely evolved creature and something worthwhile I can offer the world.
Especially for the latter ability, I am lucky to have discovered meditation, even if later in life than ideal.
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